karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
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If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
