Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

Creative Problem Solving

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio