Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

🤣

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”