Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?