Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

“i miss shittin on people”

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

Oh my God.

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.