karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
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Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.