Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

If you are reading this then you are reading this

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?