Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire