Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Can’t stop laughing

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

screw you

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave