Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

My purse is deeper than some people.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.