Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

definitely did not do anything wrong

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.