Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?