Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Phones down.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

did it work

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive