Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
dark side of the loom
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops