Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
All right then, keep your secrets
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.