Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

I wanna be friends with this person

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

This forever.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]