Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Good lord

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors