@fightforfood

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

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@ieatanddrink

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

@greggjgc79

[catches your phone before it hits the ground]

Whew, that was close!

[smashes your phone against the wall]

See, that could have happened.

@Darlainky

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

@GrantTanaka

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

@mrjohndarby

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

@SaltyCorpse

I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.

It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.

@ArfMeasures

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

@JhonRules

me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer

guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that

@AnemoneOh

Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese

@mean_crow

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy