This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
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[catches your phone before it hits the ground]
Whew, that was close!
[smashes your phone against the wall]
See, that could have happened.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.
It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer
guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that
Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy