Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
![]()
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I try
![]()
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.