Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

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