Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…