Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
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me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”