Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
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business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
life lately
When ur friends with white people
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
That’s it.I’m out.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Jogging
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”