Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

I just love that new Pope smell.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man