Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”