Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
sugar glider wrangler
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago