Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm