#KarenAndTheCat 😉
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*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.