Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

We all have our pet causes.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1567590512592408585/pu/vid/720x900/uSKUUEEvl4ZqxVea.mp4?tag=12

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.