#KarenAndTheCat 😉
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Awesome parenting 😂
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is