Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Today’s tshirt
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude