Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
We’ve come full circle
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*