Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
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Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Hero horse inspires millions
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific