Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

When you can’t find your friend Neil

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

“That’s what” – She

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

LMAO.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]