Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
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“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Voting is the worst group project
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
They did not miss in the small print
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Well well well…
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.