Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
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Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies