Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
You Might Also Like
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
*offers Batman cough drops*
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point