Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
You Might Also Like
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Wikigenius
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.