Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?