Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
