Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Godspeed, John Glenn
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.