Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica