Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
