Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Just so funny

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

I am a gravy boat captain

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come