Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something