6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
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henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane