“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
it’s the silliest best thing
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.