Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

I am patiently waiting for your email

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”