Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

what’s in a name?

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

incredible

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?