Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
me to God
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.