Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

😂🍻

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

*listening to music at the beach*

6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?

Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.

6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.

Me: That is correct, yes.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.