Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

orange cat behavior

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.