Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car