Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.