Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

This is me 🤣🤣

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”