KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
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Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain