Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

Godspeed, John Glenn

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.