@jwoodham

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

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@bfrosty04

I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.

@3sunzzz

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

@Fred_Delicious

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

@BigJDubz

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

@ChaseMit

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

@ClichedOut

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

@SteussieErica

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.