KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

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[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim


friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear


tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him


Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father


We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”


harry: [uses magic off school grounds literally one time]

ministry of magic: send an owl this instant. expel him from school

voldemort: [freely uses killing curse to commit wand murder]

ministry of magic: dang lol wish we could find that guy


This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.


Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*


My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”

Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.

Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.