KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
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[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”