[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
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friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
harry: [uses magic off school grounds literally one time]
ministry of magic: send an owl this instant. expel him from school
voldemort: [freely uses killing curse to commit wand murder]
ministry of magic: dang lol wish we could find that guy
This bar smells like my childhood.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”
Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.
Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.