Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*