Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work