Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.