Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
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i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are