Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Great acting.. 😂
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Actually cracking up @ this
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking