Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

Somebody call the cops.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

ok like just. call me at this point

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.