Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
