Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

Dumplings,

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES