Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

I was just discussing this with my cat

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Her: how are you still single?

Me: it’s easier than you think.

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

it’s the silliest best thing

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out