Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?