Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What?

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

had to share :’)

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

When they try to steal your moment.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

Can confirm.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.