Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores