Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

there’s probably a fee though

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team