Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.