Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Ron is short for Aaronald

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms