‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
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I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.