Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
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If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
💻🤡
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?