Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

Finally a use for spoilers…

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

This took me a second..

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?