Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it