Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
You Might Also Like
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I love wikipedia
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.