Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
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“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.