Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
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It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..